Saturday, May 30, 2015

Dawn of the Red

Greetings and Salutations, people of the interwebs!

     I hope you all have enjoyed this wonderful month of May, and are looking forward to rocking our upcoming month of June! There is something magical about the summertime, I've always loved the late night walks, the fireflies, bonfires, and the many festivals. There's only one thing I dread about summertime... Swimsuits!

     Aside from the fact that I can not swim (I know, I know I'm lame), I do enjoy a relaxing dip in a pool of no more than 5 feet deep. The weight gain that I've experienced has caused swimming to be even less enjoyable for me. I've been here before though, I was 16 before I wore a bikini, and not even both pieces, I wore the bikini top with mens trunks (I only got that far with the encouraging words and support of a friend, the wonderful Miss Heather.) I harbored so much shame and resentment towards my body, because it wasn't what I believed to be beautiful. I wasn't as small as some of my friends and that fueled a cycle of self-loathing that I still struggle with today. There are days that I cover up the mirror as I get ready because I honestly can not deal with looking at what has happened to my body. There are days when my husband tells me I'm beautiful, and I can only smile. While I know he is sincere, my head can not comprehend that. I turn the word "beautiful" over and over in my head until it doesn't even sound like a word anymore, and I try to associate the word with me, but I can't because I never can see my self as good enough, worthy, beautiful.

     While my blog is about winning my health and body back, I feel like an important part of that is loving yourself. I harbor so much resentment towards myself for things I've done in the past, when everyone else seems to have forgiven me. My journey through June is to learn to forgive and love myself, no matter what I look like, no matter what I have done. I would like to invite you guys to do the same! Make a list of the things you like about yourself, look in the mirror and tell yourself what you like. Fall in love with your talents, your hobbies, with the way your eyes glow when you find something you're passionate about. Let's learn to love ourselves together, the world my be a happier place if we can all learn to be comfortable in our own skin. Have a happy June, everyone!

Friday, May 1, 2015

Night of the Living Red

Greetings all you beautiful people!

     First off, allow me to apologize for being 27 hours late with this post. I don't have any other reason for the delay than, I'm tired.

     I must say, the worst part of PCOS (aside from cramps) is being tired. Some days are harder than others, but every day I push through are victories! There have been days in the past that I've chose to cancel plans, to call in, or just stay in bed all day. On those days, I am so disgusted with myself and as odd as it sounds, I'm glad I feel that way. The fun part of being me is I alternate between perfection and procrastination. If I can do something, it will be done perfectly, to the finest detail. If I do not feel I can do something, I will put it off as long as possible until I find away to do it that suites me. The fact that I'm disgusted by not being productive and not pushing myself means I'm growing. Which brings me to my next topic...
     I am not a "runner." The photo of me above was taken almost a year ago and it perfectly sums up my running experience. I would constantly goof off and try to make whoever I was running with laugh so I could get out of it (have you ever tried to laugh while running? It's impossible!) My hopes are that now that I am seeing this growth in myself, that I'm actually getting tired of my own shenanigans, that I can go at this again and take it seriously this time. I know I won't start out running, I'll walk, sprint, jog, but it is important for me to have this goal. All you happy people on the internet can hold me accountable, by my month of August post I want to be able to share with you how it felt to run a mile.

     My post is a bit short this month, but check back May 30th for more updates on my journey of winning back my health and body!

Stay fabulous!