Saturday, May 30, 2015

Dawn of the Red

Greetings and Salutations, people of the interwebs!

     I hope you all have enjoyed this wonderful month of May, and are looking forward to rocking our upcoming month of June! There is something magical about the summertime, I've always loved the late night walks, the fireflies, bonfires, and the many festivals. There's only one thing I dread about summertime... Swimsuits!

     Aside from the fact that I can not swim (I know, I know I'm lame), I do enjoy a relaxing dip in a pool of no more than 5 feet deep. The weight gain that I've experienced has caused swimming to be even less enjoyable for me. I've been here before though, I was 16 before I wore a bikini, and not even both pieces, I wore the bikini top with mens trunks (I only got that far with the encouraging words and support of a friend, the wonderful Miss Heather.) I harbored so much shame and resentment towards my body, because it wasn't what I believed to be beautiful. I wasn't as small as some of my friends and that fueled a cycle of self-loathing that I still struggle with today. There are days that I cover up the mirror as I get ready because I honestly can not deal with looking at what has happened to my body. There are days when my husband tells me I'm beautiful, and I can only smile. While I know he is sincere, my head can not comprehend that. I turn the word "beautiful" over and over in my head until it doesn't even sound like a word anymore, and I try to associate the word with me, but I can't because I never can see my self as good enough, worthy, beautiful.

     While my blog is about winning my health and body back, I feel like an important part of that is loving yourself. I harbor so much resentment towards myself for things I've done in the past, when everyone else seems to have forgiven me. My journey through June is to learn to forgive and love myself, no matter what I look like, no matter what I have done. I would like to invite you guys to do the same! Make a list of the things you like about yourself, look in the mirror and tell yourself what you like. Fall in love with your talents, your hobbies, with the way your eyes glow when you find something you're passionate about. Let's learn to love ourselves together, the world my be a happier place if we can all learn to be comfortable in our own skin. Have a happy June, everyone!

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